love's executioner two smiles summary

It was the first time he had seen Thelma in eight years, and if he was in any way startled by the physical aging she had undergone, his boyish, good-natured smile gave no evidence of it. Though he pretended to speak to other members of the group, he spoke through them to me as he continuously sought my approval and support. What we have here, Dan, is an autistic relationship. Carlos, as I recall, went off on a tangent of associations about the identity of the female auto rental clerk. That brings us up to now, Marvin. We had been talking about the end of therapy, and she described how accustomed she had become to meeting with me and how difficult it would be to say goodbye next week, how losing me would become another in her string of losses, when she mentioned, casually, Did I ever tell you I had twins when I was sixteen?. Getting inundated with emotion was likely what happened to the others, to the therapists who couldnt help her. Yet it is one thing to know about death in general, to grit ones teeth and stoke up a shudder or two; it is quite another to apprehend ones own death and to experience it in the bones and sockets of ones being. Yet, even at the point of death, the willingness of another to be fully present may penetrate the isolation. Besides, he was a person who wanted to try everything once, and he had never before spoken to a psychiatrist. Why does an attractive, presumably accomplished young man select a sixty-two-year-old woman who has been lifeless and depressed for many years? Intrapersonal isolation occurs when parts of the self are split off, as when one splits off emotion from the memory of an event. . He gave me a chilling description of his first contact with money. This thought, this core false belief, was the enemy. Despite his offputting physical appearance, I felt very warm toward him, I imagined cradling him in my arms and found the idea agreeable. She could take care, she said, of not being poor. . Havent you had enough, for Chrissakes? Id like to wire her jaws shut! Then you know about loving-kindness meditation. He would, I suspected, be more reasonable in a week or two, and under ordinary circumstances I would simply have been patient. Think about that. Did the sandwiches soothe you?, I had a hard time getting to them. I loved the way he tangled with me. The event is severe (his migraines are exceptionally disabling); it is unexpected (sex never presented any unusual problems previously); and it is sudden (it erupted in full force precisely six months ago). Also, that figure includes abstracts, book reviews, and chaptersalmost no original stuff.), Instead, I said (and could do so with the ring of authority since I was talking about myself as well as him), Thats what you meant when you said that these letters have been pursuing you all your life! Youve done a helluva good job with her. That needy part of me did not act in Maries best interests. Mind thinks in images but, to communicate with another, must transform image into thought and then thought into language. Unlimited listening to the Plus Catalogue - thousands of select Audible Originals, podcasts and audiobooks. I could have, for example, given more serious consideration to Thelmas twenty years of psychiatric care! I once saw a newspaper cartoon of a pudgy lost little man saying, Suddenly, one day in your forties or fifties, everything becomes clear. She had a way of putting her finger on vital issues. The main thing is that shes afraid of going out of the house. He became perversely incontinent: he refused to urinate outdoors but, waiting till he had gained entry to the house, drenched the living room carpet. In choosing to enter fully into each patients life, I, the therapist, not only am exposed to the same existential issues as are my patients but must be prepared to examine them with the same rules of inquiry. Elva conceded that three packets of Kleenex and twelve pens (plus three pencil stubs) were indeed superfluous, but held firm about two bottles of cologne and three hairbrushes, and dismissed, with an imperious flick of her hand, my challenge to her large flashlight, bulky notepads, and huge sheaf of photographs. The most important fact about a dream is its emotion, and this dream, despite its benign content, was full of terror: it had awakened him and flooded him with anxiety for hours. Swept along by hubris and by my curiosity, I had disregarded twenty years of evidence at the outset that Thelma was a poor candidate for psychotherapy, and had subjected her to a painful confrontation which, in retrospect, had little likelihood of success. Review articles, Saul knew, age quickly, especially in fast-moving fields like cellular biology. Lets try to turn this into a learning experience for him. By now I had become accustomed to her bringing up a new concern almost every hour. Id try to feel my pulse but could never find the damned thing when I wanted it. He was obviously depressedwith good reasonand spoke bitterly and wearily of his ten-year ordeal with cancer. Even though she was now working long hours, she was barely making it. When Im this depressed, eating is the only thing that keeps me going.. Each session he described all of his encounters with women that week (often they consisted of nothing more than catching a womans eye in the grocery store) and obsessing about what he might have done in each instance to have consummated a relationship. Not every thing you say is maaaaaarvelllous. It should be a loving, joyful act, not protection from danger. Therapist and patient conspire to pretend that theirs is a monogamous relationship. If I were going to get through, I would have to use something more compelling. Couples treatment may illuminate the sources of marital tension and help each partner to recognize and to respect the others mode of grief. Ive gone over all the pros and cons, and I now believe you are rightIm in such bad shape that its not likely anything could make me worse!, Thelma, those arent my words. Throughout my year of work with Marge, I had only a single real rule in my worktreat her as an equal. Perhaps I read too much into it, but I imagined that Dr. K. was looking for something from Saul, something just as crucial for him as the affirmation Saul sought from him. The doctor confirms that you do have cancer, and all your turmoil about not knowing is endedbut what are you left with?. Why dont you believe him?, Hes saying that because he has to. What about Saul and the Stockholm Research Laboratory? This was her chance to ask the questions that had plagued her for eight years. He called his neighbors, who banged, in vain, on Thelmas door and windows. What is the main thing Yalom learned from Penny? My predictions of what might happen have come true. I remember that Thelma and I both asked many questions, each of which he answered fully. Object Loss - the loss of a figure who has played an instrumental role in constitution of one's inner world. I thought of the incandescent tip of the cane and the sexual act that was not sex but merely a futile attempt to dispel the dread. I dont want to eat on top of political buttons. No response from Thelma. This is pretty morbid stuff., Everything, Saul. Then and there I made some resolutions.. I learned that, when he was very young, his parents and some teachers had considered him a math prodigy; at the age of eight, he had auditioned, unsuccessfully, for the Quiz Kids radio show. It was not easy. I was back in a nearly forgotten role. These were real people therenot sources of information. Can you remember any of it? A lot of therapists, at this point, would have made an interpretation about the way she was shutting me out. Her head shook ever so slightly. I wake up in a sweat. Gone was the man who had been awash in despair, stripped of his humanity, his laugh, and self-awareness. What had happened in their lives that might have pushed them into the choices they made? These changes all signified that we were making progress: we were successfully addressing Bettys isolation and her hunger for closeness. She just stared at me. If we relate to people believing that we can categorize them, we will neither identify nor nurture the parts, the vital parts, of the other that transcend category. Marvin, as always, worked hard to produce the necessary information, but, though his dreams had requested it, he soon lost interest in past origins of current life patterns. Primarily, though, my attention was fixed on Matthew. Let me try to get my thoughts out clearly. I knew that its message would be briefand brutal.. When we finish, how will you get along without me? Now why should that be? You let him influence you. I was afraid shed be very embarrassed about this later, and I didnt want to make it worse by any hint of criticism. How could it be otherwise? Ill make it anonymous. My intellectual curiosity? Then I hear someone calling my name from behind. Deliver me from both of them! An older playmate who defended her? But once I married Harry, love was over. The message:He is building up a case against you. She was a misfit. All of my arguments met a similar fate. That was the top priority in my life then; that was why I had advertised for volunteers. . But there were formidable obstacles. I dont give a shit, not one shit, about the people in the group. But today I guess Id better continue. I cant tell you how wonderful. You are my last hope.. Take away this pain.. . Ive been sleeping twelve hours a day. Hes fascinated. Later it occurred to me that, if Saul had so badly misjudged Dr. K.s sentiments, then he probably misinterpreted my feelings as well. Saul had severe anorexia; he began to lose weight rapidly, his sleep was deeply disrupted, and incessant self-destructive fantasies ravaged his mind. Whatever has happened since then can never erase what he gave me then.. Furthermore, since I was leaving on sabbatical in three months, there was insufficient time for a decent course of psychotherapy. My initial plan was to follow each story with a few paragraphs discussing the theoretical points it illustrated. I feel numb., Youve been living and feeling one way for eight years, and now suddenly in twenty-four hours all that is pulled away from you. I was just getting over my worst migraine, and I was afraid Id fail and get another migraine. Its past. She had been housebound for years and now rarely ventured forth alone. Maybe they dont sound good, but that happens to be the way were built. More and more frequently did I hear criticisms of therapy. Marvin looked stumped. Since Thelma had opposed everything else I suggested, I was preparing my argument to convince her when, to my surprise, she enthusiastically agreed. She is of Spanish decent, from Mexico. Perhaps that is sufficient., On Rereading Loves Executioner at Age Eighty, When I agreed to write a postscript for Loves Executioner, I had no idea of the emotional adventure ahead of me. And theres a lot of evidence for this. My first impulse was to get the hell away, far awayand not see her again. I had never felt that Dave was securely lodged in therapy even though we had worked well with his impotence. It also helped a lot when you kept asking me what had helped me in the past. I had tried a more conservative approach for four months and had resorted to a radical intervention only when it was apparent I had no other choice. He writes about various patient's problems, such as obesity, dealing with grief, low self-esteem, loneliness, the trauma of being . Its funny but egg salad sandwiches have always been soothing. I felt like a surgeon preparing the operative field but avoiding any deep dissection. Next, they have you put your father in a nursing home. Most of us, most of the time, live comfortably by uneasily avoiding the glance of death, by chuckling and agreeing with Woody Allen when he says, Im not afraid of death. In the next hour she tried several times to come to me again. The no-suicide contract (a written or oral contract in which the patient promises to call the therapist when feeling dangerously self-destructive, and the therapist vows to terminate therapy if the patient violates the contract by a suicidal attempt) has always struck me as ludicrous (If you kill yourself, I wont treat you ever again). It was cold outI could see my breath, and it was hard to walk because the earth was clumped and the plow ridges were frozen. He imagined saying his final goodbye to his mother, sitting across from him in her familiar bentwood rocker. Yet I was uncomfortable with Daves request. What I mean is that my attitude about obesity has changed a lot. She also examined her feelings toward me with more honesty than before: her fears of dependency, her gratitude, her anger. Use an excuse, any excuse: my time all filled, leaving the country for a few years, embarking on a full-time research career. Had it always been there? I wondered what medication I should try, and where I should hospitalize him. Every session with her demanded great effort. I felt goose bumps. No matter how good your food, you are no match for a woman.. Thus, the problem in therapy is always how to move from an ineffectual intellectual appreciation of a truth about oneself to some emotional experience of it. I grew acquainted with the characters who peopled Marvins mind, and identified (and shared with him) certain important repetitive life patterns: for example, the way he had re-created part of his parents pattern in his own marriagehis wife, like his fathers wife, wielded control by cutting off sexual favors. My comment had been a blunder, and I retreated to a more conciliatory, open-ended line of questioning. It was my idea to invite Matthew, my idea to ask him the questions you did. I thought I saw her nod her head. Soon they called the police, who stormed into the house to find her close to death. Perhaps if I had given Mike more information about Marie, his panel would have resembled mine more closely. It had been a long time since I had made a home visit. Therapists have a dual role: they must both observe and participate in the lives of their patients. Dave never did get back to me about the lettersat least not in anyway I could anticipate. I know what I know!, But you say that every weekthe lady in the supermarket, the receptionist in the dentists office, the ticket seller at the movie. 3. The most common was their first encounterthe chance meeting in Union Square, the coffee at the St. Francis, the walk to Fishermans Wharf, the view of the bay from Scomas restaurant, the excitement of the drive to Matthews pad; but often she simply thought of one of his loving phone conversations. As you say, Im being rational, but one of us has to stay rational. Saul didnt crack a smile. I didnt even know about his connection to the Stockholm Institute. Lets try to understand this together. I dont think she had expected me to take such a firm stand. First, they tell you to evict your tenant. How? But I had pointed out that Carlos had stretched his personal boundaries to encompass his work and, consequently, he responded to a mild criticism of any aspect of his work as though it were a mortal attack on his central being, a threat to his very survival. The past, the true story, the chronicle of real events, is unrecoverable. The one goodthe only goodthing about depression is that it always ends.. She was determined to find a man; however, Elmer apparently thought he was sufficient man for her household. She was six years younger, equally shy and equally inexperienced with the opposite sex. Upon this unconscious premise, Elva had built her entire assumptive worlda world featuring safety and benevolent paternalism. Those resolutions she made when she regained consciousness after her overdose: Could she really believe that she would make Harry happy by rubber-stamping his every request and keeping her own wishes and thoughts concealed? In associating to this dream Betty said that, earlier the day of the dream, she had been thinking that she had shed a whole body: she had lost eighty pounds, and there was a woman in her office who weighed only eighty pounds. Marvin feels youre cold and uninvolved and that youve taken little personal interest in his lifein how he got to be the person he is today.. The three-way meeting had been my idea and I had been the one who stripped her of her illusions, I was the disillusioner. She rarely addressed me by name, either given name or surnamefeel about treating me, Thelma, a woman who is seventy years old?. Next week we commenced our work. He ventured farther than his supply lines could reach, and now was assailed from all sides: the past was dusky and irretrievable; the future, blocked. Would I be allowed to hug you? Matthew answered my questions by taking my hand, pulling me into his lap, and hugging me tightly for several minutes. In many ways her sons were the real victims of this tragedyas is often true of the siblings of children who die. She had never had a positive relationship with a man, and it is possible her sons had paid the penalty for that. (On that point I needed no persuasion.) Her response was, in effect, that her losses had been too greatmore than she could bear. love's executioner two smiles summary. Although impotence had been his explicit reason for choosing to see me, I felt that the real task of therapy was to improve the way he related to others. The time had come to unearth everything. Share to Twitter . But soon irritation replaced the giggle. Harry, no less than Thelma, chose to embrace illusion. Such encapsulated, exclusive lovefeeding on itself, neither giving to nor caring about othersis destined to cave in on itself. Shortly after I had sent the manuscript to my publisher, I was contacted by Phoebe Hoss, an editor from hell (but also from heaven), with whom I was to have a long, ferocious struggle. Locked up in a convent? She often, despite my inner groans, described some particularly banal conversation by playing several of the rolesIve always hated that. I thought it was odd that he accompanied her that day. I wasnt certain whether it was to obtain his support or to reassure herself that he could tolerate what she had to say. Her trademark was that she listened well and was entertaining. To prevent any misunderstanding, I decided it would be best to clarify at once the issue of therapybefore I got in too deep with Penny, before I even asked why, four years after her daughters death, she needed to be seen immediately. One day when he was alone, he tried it. Go back to that moment, Penny, that moment when you should have let Chrissie go, that moment youve blotted from your memory. (They slept in separate bedrooms because of his snoring.) I didnt know what to do. I never heard anything about them since. I have heard many dying patients remark that the most awful thing about dying is that it must be done alone. I had often wondered about the strength of my attraction. We just chattered away., You know, it sounds crazy, but I dont remember!. They had attempted intercourse two other times, but Matthew was impotent. A few minutes later, as I was getting some coffee, I noticed Thelma and Matthew chatting in the corridor. But she interrupted and told me I had misunderstood: she felt no guilt but was instead overcome with regret that she had waited until she was forty-four to relinquish her control and let some real feelings out. I trudged when I went to fetch her from the waiting room. He had kept Sorayas letters (numbering in the hundreds) well hidden. Without that drive none of us would exist on this earth. Angles or gimmicks were not going to help Dave relate to others directly and authentically: I had to model straightforward, honest behavior. I knew that Dr. K. would read it. Much of her therapy had been obtained at the local county mental health clinic, where she had been treated by a series of trainees. But she simply smoothed out her long denim skirt, sat back down, and asked if she could smoke. . Not much other therapy has gone on. I dont remember exactly what we talked about, but it helped me change a lot.. One credit a month, good for any title to download and keep. When, at the next session, I artlessly presented him with my birth certificate, drivers license, and passport, he announced that I had proved him correct: only FBI connections could have produced forgeries so quickly. We were now beginning the fifth month; and, though Thelma assured me she would honor her commitment, she made it clear that she would not be willing to continue longer than six months. I refused to stop dancing to have children, but I was forced to stop thirty-one years ago because I got gout in my large toenot a good disease for a ballerina. Dr. K. had always spoken highly of Saul, and she knew he would have wanted her to send this unfinished letter that she found on Dr. K.s desk. I felt sorry for the discomfort he experienced in each course of therapy. The members complained, too, of Daves secretiveness in the group. I followed that rule to the best of my ability, and it felt good now to hear that it had been helpful. Saul was really digging in but, though I began to question my choice of a direct approach, I persisted. It seemed to me that she droned on interminably, went off into tangent after tangent, and, moreover, said everything to me as though for the first time. I asked about why he hadnt returned my calls and he said simply, Its not right, we both know it. She paused and wept silently. The mother of God will protect me.. The opposition stiffened. The lawsuit dragged on for three years, and she settled for a disappointingly small sum. Of course, I never explicitly expressed these sentiments. I began by briefly thanking him for coming. Project Loss - the loss of one's central organization life principle, providing the how of life. I am grateful to many individuals and institutions who hosted me and facilitated my writing: the Stanford University Humanities Center, the Rockefeller Foundation Bellagio Study Center, Drs. Instead of talking about Chrissies tragedy, she spent the next two hours describing the tragedy of her own life. How could you be released? She must have been thinking, Oh, I wouldnt feed him poisoned dog foodnot unless he got a little old and bothersome. Obviously he had rehearsed this material beforehand. She wont see any doctor, shes not had a GYN exam in fifteen years. The hour was a triptych, each panel reflecting the perspective, the hues, the concerns, of its creator. I had helped him understand that he had lost sight of his personal boundaries. Often I look forward all day to a special meal; and, when the craving strikes, no obstacle can block my way to the dim sum restaurant or the gelato stand. Aside from a seventeen-year-old son and daughterdizygotic twins, who lived with his ex-wife in South AmericaCarlos, at the age of thirty-nine, found himself virtually alone in the world. Enforced busyness is often the friend of the bereaved and Elmer provided blessed distraction in the early stages of mourning. The dream (recorded verbatim by a student observer):Death is all around me. Howd you do? I inquired cheerily, keeping up my side of the conversation. But nothing came. She was full of fury when the doctor referred to the final pneumonia as a blessing that should not be interfered with. Love's Executioner is a fiction book based on psychotherapy and the human psyche, written by Irvin D. Yalom, who is a psychotherapist and also the main protagonist (the therapist) among each of the stories. Try to see that. I taught myself to type on the flight overseas by means of a video game in which, when letters attacked my spaceship, my only defense was to punch an attacking letter before it detonated my ship. Another way is to help the patient get outside of it and move into the observer role. I have always been repelled by fat women. Do you think I feel that way about you?, To be honest, thats another reason (in addition to my promise to Matthew) that I havent talked about him to therapists or anyone else. I could see it was hard for her to tell me thisbut at this point I couldnt be sure what hurt worse: telling me about the rape, or how she had excessively revealed herself to her group. His voice cracked. The body is stiff; the face taut; cold, repetitive thoughts clog the brain. Do I resent the fat woman for her desecration of my desire, for bloating and profaning each lovely feature that I cherish? Yet freedom from an existential perspective is bonded to anxiety in asserting that, contrary to everyday experience, we do not enter into, and ultimately leave, a well-structured universe with an eternal grand design. In order to stay on her pedestal, she was never able to talk to you about her pain and her fearsor not until very recently.. Another insisted, I want to fuck every woman I see, as his lymphatic cancer invaded the crawl spaces of his body. She had died while giving birth. A mistake would be fatal: he rarely gave people a second chance. Well this time, I'm deathly serious. And you say you have good reason to believe that your sexual performance touches off the migraine?, You may think it strangefor a man of my age and positionbut you cant dispute the facts. Is it your plan to send that letter before opening the three letters? I hated the thought of Saul ruining his career with some foolish action. All in all, he did far better than I had expected. A powerful lady, I thought. We're meant to appreciate his honesty and study his counter-transference, but I'm telling you right now. Maybe I was paying more attention to her now. At first he was eager to see, but soon enthusiasm gave way to a powerful sense of regret. A rugged, brawny woman: weathered, battered, proudand trembling. Rather than ninety percent of the time, I spend less than twenty percent of my waking time thinking about Matthew, and even that twenty percent is different. One night she had two dreams about a lost twin brother. And something else totally unexpected had happened. I had strongly suspected from the beginning that he would likely drop out of the group. He is excited for Phyllis, who is also about to open her eyes. Had he, through some mystical channel, discovered something vital and real about the other person? Ive been telling Phyllis what you and I talk about every hour. When I am healed and my lawsuit settled, Ill talk to his wife and everybody I know. It has been translated into twelve languages and is now in its fourth edition. They were soon all over the house. Perhaps she was right in saying that a little more treatment would kill the patient! All in all, I deserved Thelma and Harrys criticism. Saul, I believe I misjudged the amount of pain you were experiencing, and put too much pressure on you to open the letters. Such was my dilemma when the unexpected occurred. His mood swings persisted but were not disabling. Tell me everything. When I was a student at the Johns Hopkins Psychiatric Clinic, the staff had many back room indices of chronicity. I sat silently for several minutes trying to identify my options. Excellent technique! No one wants to talk about a childs dying. Inclusion or exclusion, it was all the same to her: she found something to hate in everyone. I was irritated with Marvin. I left Atlanta and never looked back., Not till now. It takes away the depthit makes it into nothing. He finally got back to sleep and later that night had a dream:There was a statue of a female god on a pedestal in a large crowded room. A stab right through my sternum. Finally you found where you belong, the home and perhaps the father you had always been seeking.. I am looking through the triangle of her legs off into the distance. My batting average for being useful on the phone isnt great. Why that day and not another day? Ill agree to do my best.. He didnt seem to understand, we talked past each other, he had no interest in the inner meaning of events. He grieved for his past and his impending losses. It didnt take much experience to recognize the signs of deep distress. Chrissie had been a dream child, a good student, beautiful, musically gifted. So you never really belonged anywhere, never were truly at home. I think of what you told me about your bed in your aunts housethat cot youd unfold every night in the living room., The last to sleep, the first to rise. I would sacrifice her rival to her, pluck her feathers, pull her asunder, and, bit by bit, feed her to Marge. Our conjectures about Phyllis had been close to the mark: she often had to swallow her own feelings of inadequacy in order not to agitate Marvin.

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